"Marriage is a Jail and the only reason why people failed their marriage is because they won't fit in with their couple's culture", that's what I heard on Instagram. Damn, that was right. I realized that the only thing that makes me feel unsecure about my life right now is because me and my husband have a very different background, different culture, different family and now, I have to live with my husband's family, and have to blend in with their culture, how hard it might be was harder than what I have to face right now. Back then, my cousin said, "ih amit-amit, ga akan mau Teh Ipit mah". I was angry. But now, I know what it means.
Without a struggle, there can be no progress
Welcome to my online diary. Here's my untold stories, crazy pictures/videos or my 'try to get a deal with this crazy world' thoughts. Enjoy!
Senin, 22 Mei 2023
Senin, 26 Desember 2022
What They Said About The First Year of Marriage vs What I Have Been Through
Disappointment may not be the best one word explanation word that fits my marriage life right now because I did it with 100% sanity when I decided to get engaged to the man whom I just get to knew in 2 months and when I decided to speed up my wedding from October to June due to the drama inside my growing up house. If my dad is still here, it won't be like this. But he's not here, that's why, it is the way it is right now. I miss you Babeh, more than anything - and every road that I have to walk right now, won't ever be the same, if you were, still here, my guardian angel, the man who'll become a wall to every storm that might hits me - he's not here anymore, that's why my life become the way it is - crawling in the middle of the storm with no one here with me - and still I have to become a hero for my gifted son, how can I make it Beh? I didn't grow up to become this strong, but, I have to.
Everything started when my brother needs a tons of money to cover his debt that I still don't understand why the instalment was bloomed till he has to sell one of my father's legacy : our mini house rental business. Even it was sold very cheap because he was in a state of dire needs of money. Why the hell I didn't understand the fact that every house has it's own drama. My case may not be the hardest but also not the easiest. Back then, my mom was worried about me : my safety and my reproduction health condition due to Endometriosis or maybe she was tired, carrying me, so she wanted to let me go as soon as possible, because carrying 2 boys with their immaturity is way to hard for a mom who's fighting a battle between wanting them to have a perfect life and walking as a lonely mom of 4 with no one beside her.
I always think how my mom threated the 4 of us differently. Specially me. She believes the fact that when a son is his mom's responsibility till her death. So, she's responsible for their wives happiness in their married life with their immature husband = so she has to take every pain that they have to pay, she carried the pain, so they get an easier life to carry, even when they're not even grateful for what they have now. For an example, my sister in law, how she spends everyday not thinking anything but her sons, she wants to give the best for them, she has the money, from where? from my mom. My mom doesn't have money for my sister to pay for her university, how everything is so unfair? yes still my sister in low spend her everyday life with that "unhappy" face. How can she put that face everyday, while she gets money for doing nothing, she doesn't have to pay for the food she and her son eat, my mom pay for everything they spend, meanwhile, I have to work from morning to night to get money.
Senin, 03 Januari 2022
I'm so sorry
I drive as I can’t see anything but the road that I have to traverse. My mind is empty, and I can’t feel anything. I’m losing a lot of sleep – while I knew I have to sleep enough for the baby inside of my belly, he’s innocent, he’s not responsible for all the pain that I feel but he has to take the responsibility – I’m so sorry – I know I’m not ready for all of this, but this is life and you have no time to choose what you want to happen in your life. Time flies, how I wish I wasn’t even existed - ever, but now look at me, because of my selfishness – I’m going to bring an innocent human being to the world, dear my baby boy, I’m so sorry. How I pray every single time for you to have a beautiful life – not like mine. What should I do? I wish I have someone to tell me what to do, but oh life, I realize I was born for no one, I have to take responsibility for every shit that happens, and the hell knows who the fuck cares if it’s not you – yourself.
Rabu, 17 Maret 2021
Still, you have a thousand reasons to be grateful.
My mind took me to stepped back to when I was younger, to feel how I was the luckiest little girl on earth, I mean... no one is perfect, but I had everything back then, I was a princess to a wise king; my father, even when he's not here - no more, he's still the one who give me everything without me asking for a single thing, I never thought that every little thing that my heart wants - come true - because of him. I wish I could learn what life is actually about, when I had everything, but I was too busy looking for something I already have, I was looking for love, perfection, and myself, but the truth is, I had them all back then, until I loose, everything. I thought life was about being happy, but I didn't even know what happy really is? Having someone by my side isn't "a thing" for me, being alone is probably my "comfort zone", my safest place is my room - being me in my room - is timeless. Well, I'm normal, when I see my friends around me having a boyfriend, I felt envy too, but what my father gave me - are more than enough to keep me in my safest place - having no one on my phone - keeping everything in me - not telling everyone - coz, who the hell cares?
I don't think I lost my father on the day he left, I think I lose everything that filled me. I can clearly hear my brother said, “Uma, you’re not even crying?” Well, tell me how I suppose to feel, when someone who teach me how to feel left me in a position where I don’t even know where I am. Tell me how to live a life where I don't even know what's left in me? You have to feel something to cry, don’t you? My first love, the one who teach me the fact that you don’t have to spend 9 months in one body to love, the one who gave me everything without asking. The man who treat woman with respect, he treat her mother really well, I can clearly see my grandmother telling his story with happiness – excitement – love – and I can clearly see how proud she is. He took my mother by surprise, he gave my mother everything – without her asking, sometime she would get confused why did he spent a lot of money just to make her happy – just to buy her things. He protect his younger sister, I can see how much she love him, he must’ve did the right thing to leave such a beautiful impression for someone to remember him that way, how he really protect his younger sister – he would wait for his younger sister when she went on a date outside the theater. How he treated me and my younger sister – unbelievable, he didn’t left a piece of my heart’s – every piece of my heart left – when he left and my younger sister probably face a much worse situation, coz everyone who knows her knows that she’s her daddy’s forever favorite little girl. Throw it back then, I can clearly remember when she would spend every Wednesday night – hearing her out of her breath, coz deep down inside of her – she face a situation where she have to adapt with a new capture of her life – being a college student and losing love of her life.
Sometime I wish, I was the one who left, why can’t I change his life with mine? Coz I don’t know how to face this kind of position in a life, where I was fighting for my final oral examination - How can I live a life losing (probably) the only man who love me without any reason – and have to face everyone that I love facing the same or a worse situation than me?
I always see my mother as the strongest woman I've ever met, but on the day my father left, I see her at her lowest point in her life, I still can picture her saddest face – that day - I can see her sad face hanging on my mind every time I know I make a mistake and know that I should treat her better. I’m so sorry for everything for her. I know I should treat her much better.
I crawl, slowly but I made a move – healing, even when I know that it’s impossible to heal, well I know they said that time heals, but how can you heal when you lose a part of you – your heart. But life should goes on - slowly but I made progress – facing try out for CBT UKAI (Uji Kompetensi Apoteker Indonesia) and then final oral examination (sidang oral komprehensif Apoteker) – my first birthday without him - CBT UKAI (Uji Kompetensi Apoteker Indonesia) and then final oral examination (sidang oral komprehensif Apoteker) – looking for a job – my first job – and every little and detail problem that I have to face that’s probably Karma for everything that I did to my father. If only I could threat you better – if only I knew what I know now – if only that Sunday when I said, “Umi, why does Babeh keep looking at me like this?” is the last day you would look me – as your little girl.
But you can’t turn back the time, things happened, and you have to consider what’s left rather than regretting everything that you SHOULD did, but you can’t do it now, you can’t go back to where you were, you can’t be where you were, so you have to see what’s left, be grateful, don’t let put yourself in a situation where you are now again, regretting things, wishing things could change, wising life would be better, but see things from a better position, to be grateful, to treat your mother better – well, at least, you still have your “life” with you. The one who would die for you even after you put her in a 9 month of troublesome – the one who feel an incomparable pain then would still choose loving you – after 24 years of troubles and pain that you cause her.
Be grateful. Keep praying for him. Don’t take things that you have right now for granted.
Senin, 30 April 2018
March + April Haul / Mini Review
6. Miniso Pro Fine Precision Sculpting Brush (8.5/10)
8. Benefit The POREfessional pore minimising balm
Belum coba, so belum tau bakal suka/engga.
9. Benefit they're real! lengthening mascara (6,9/10)
Beli buat cream contour.
Sabtu, 20 Januari 2018
Skincare Routine STEP 1: Cleansing
- cleansing setelah pakai make up (foundation, mascara dan lain-lain).
- cleansing setelah pakai BB cream (biasanya kalau mau pergi tapi males make up Nurma cuma pakai BB cream aja biar gak terlalu pucat).
- clenasing yang Nurma lakuin sekali dalam 3 hari.
- cleansing yang Nurma lakukan untuk sehari-hari.
- BIORE Cleansing Oil 150 ml - Oil Base Product - Mengangkat Waterproof products terutama Foundation, Nurma ga nyaranin mengangkat Mascara atau eye products dengan produk ini karna bikin perih ke mata. Nurma juga kurang suka ngangkat lip products dengan product yang gak pake kapas karna ga tau kenapa kurang nyaman aja. Setelah pakai ini, wajah Nurma lebih lembab, sedikit aneh kerasanya seperti produknya kurang terangkat semua meskipun sudah dibersihkan berkali-kali pakai air, tapi gak apa-apa karna masih ada rangkaian cleansing yang lain. Produk ini bagus tapi gak yang WOW gitu dan Nurma masih agak kurang nyaman karna kerasanya seperti produknya kurang terangkat semua meskipun sudah dibilas berkali-kali.
- Hadalabo Tamagohada Ultimate Mild Peeling Face Wash Make Up Remover - Produk ini termasuk dalam produk yang mengandung AHA & BHA (which is good for you who owned any acne problems) dan produk ini termasuk produk peeling (gak recommended buat melakukan peeling tiap hari) dan selain face wash produk ini juga bisa sebagai make up remover tapi sayangnya masih mengandung Paraben (that's why i put a yellow sign on this product). Produk ini Nurma suka karena gak membuat kulit Nurma jadi kering setelah cuci muka, dan pasti karna fungsi dari produk ini juga.
- FOREO LUNA™ mini - Magenta - HOLY GRAIL! The best sih ini cleansing tools. Pakai produk ini buat mengaplikasikan Hadalabo Tamagohada Ultimate Mild Peeling Face Wash Make Up Remover. Bakal buat post khusus buat produk ini.
- BIODERMA Sensibio H2O Micelle Solution (For Sensitive Skin). Setelah memakai 2 produk yang dibilas pakai air, produk ini digunakan untuk memastikan bahwa semua produk yang tersisa terangkat dengan baik. Di awal penggunaan produk ini Nurma agak bingung kenapa ya banyak yang mendewakan produk ini, sampai akhirnya Nurma ngerasain sendiri setelah pakai make up yang bener-bener heavy meskipun sudah pakai berbagai rangkaian cleansing di atas + masker, ketika Nurma cek pake produk ini masih ada sisa foundation yang masih tersisa. Dan sampai sekarang belum nemuin micellar water yang sebagus dan senyaman ini tapi sayangnya harganya cukup pricey.
- Wardah Makeup Remover with Jojoba Oil / Maybelline Eye Lip Makeup Remover --> Eye and Lip products remover beda sendiri dari rangkaian diatas, Nurma sebenernya males banget pakai mascara karna bikin bulu mata jatuh, tapi kalau terpaksa yaudah deh pake. Nurma pribadi lebih suka yang Maybelline daripada Wardah, karena yang Wardah berbahan dasar Jojoba Oil jadi lebih terasa berminyak setelah pakai, jadinya Nurma sering bilas lagi pakai air deh. Sebenernya sih gak ngerasa perbedaan yang signifikan diantara kedua produk ini.
Selasa, 29 Agustus 2017
REVIEW: Bourjois Healthy Mix Serum Foundation – 53 Beige clair / Light beige
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