My mind took me to stepped back to when I was younger, to feel how I was the luckiest little girl on earth, I mean... no one is perfect, but I had everything back then, I was a princess to a wise king; my father, even when he's not here - no more, he's still the one who give me everything without me asking for a single thing, I never thought that every little thing that my heart wants - come true - because of him. I wish I could learn what life is actually about, when I had everything, but I was too busy looking for something I already have, I was looking for love, perfection, and myself, but the truth is, I had them all back then, until I loose, everything. I thought life was about being happy, but I didn't even know what happy really is? Having someone by my side isn't "a thing" for me, being alone is probably my "comfort zone", my safest place is my room - being me in my room - is timeless. Well, I'm normal, when I see my friends around me having a boyfriend, I felt envy too, but what my father gave me - are more than enough to keep me in my safest place - having no one on my phone - keeping everything in me - not telling everyone - coz, who the hell cares?
I don't think I lost my father on the day he left, I think I lose everything that filled me. I can clearly hear my brother said, “Uma, you’re not even crying?” Well, tell me how I suppose to feel, when someone who teach me how to feel left me in a position where I don’t even know where I am. Tell me how to live a life where I don't even know what's left in me? You have to feel something to cry, don’t you? My first love, the one who teach me the fact that you don’t have to spend 9 months in one body to love, the one who gave me everything without asking. The man who treat woman with respect, he treat her mother really well, I can clearly see my grandmother telling his story with happiness – excitement – love – and I can clearly see how proud she is. He took my mother by surprise, he gave my mother everything – without her asking, sometime she would get confused why did he spent a lot of money just to make her happy – just to buy her things. He protect his younger sister, I can see how much she love him, he must’ve did the right thing to leave such a beautiful impression for someone to remember him that way, how he really protect his younger sister – he would wait for his younger sister when she went on a date outside the theater. How he treated me and my younger sister – unbelievable, he didn’t left a piece of my heart’s – every piece of my heart left – when he left and my younger sister probably face a much worse situation, coz everyone who knows her knows that she’s her daddy’s forever favorite little girl. Throw it back then, I can clearly remember when she would spend every Wednesday night – hearing her out of her breath, coz deep down inside of her – she face a situation where she have to adapt with a new capture of her life – being a college student and losing love of her life.
Sometime I wish, I was the one who left, why can’t I change his life with mine? Coz I don’t know how to face this kind of position in a life, where I was fighting for my final oral examination - How can I live a life losing (probably) the only man who love me without any reason – and have to face everyone that I love facing the same or a worse situation than me?
I always see my mother as the strongest woman I've ever met, but on the day my father left, I see her at her lowest point in her life, I still can picture her saddest face – that day - I can see her sad face hanging on my mind every time I know I make a mistake and know that I should treat her better. I’m so sorry for everything for her. I know I should treat her much better.
I crawl, slowly but I made a move – healing, even when I know that it’s impossible to heal, well I know they said that time heals, but how can you heal when you lose a part of you – your heart. But life should goes on - slowly but I made progress – facing try out for CBT UKAI (Uji Kompetensi Apoteker Indonesia) and then final oral examination (sidang oral komprehensif Apoteker) – my first birthday without him - CBT UKAI (Uji Kompetensi Apoteker Indonesia) and then final oral examination (sidang oral komprehensif Apoteker) – looking for a job – my first job – and every little and detail problem that I have to face that’s probably Karma for everything that I did to my father. If only I could threat you better – if only I knew what I know now – if only that Sunday when I said, “Umi, why does Babeh keep looking at me like this?” is the last day you would look me – as your little girl.
But you can’t turn back the time, things happened, and you have to consider what’s left rather than regretting everything that you SHOULD did, but you can’t do it now, you can’t go back to where you were, you can’t be where you were, so you have to see what’s left, be grateful, don’t let put yourself in a situation where you are now again, regretting things, wishing things could change, wising life would be better, but see things from a better position, to be grateful, to treat your mother better – well, at least, you still have your “life” with you. The one who would die for you even after you put her in a 9 month of troublesome – the one who feel an incomparable pain then would still choose loving you – after 24 years of troubles and pain that you cause her.
Be grateful. Keep praying for him. Don’t take things that you have right now for granted.
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